Misplaced Affection
by Padfootwolfboy
Summary: A silly love charm goes awry, leaving poor Remus under the misplaced affections of two of his best friends, his only hope a missing wife and a sleeping rat. What will become of him?


**"Misplaced Affection"  
Part 1/1  
****Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.  
****Date: March 2005**

**Small Note: This is my first—and most likely only—attempt at humor. It is not fluff; it is not heart wrenching angst. It is not even terribly slashy. It is simply humor, revolving around James Potter, Lily Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and yes, Peter Pettigrew. I would very much like a review, if you would be so kind to take the time.**

* * *

In the beginning, the love charm was meant as a joke. It was uttered between lips curled into a grin and sips of already too much butterbeer. Men still nearly boys had been laughing and roughhousing playfully in the kitchen of James and Lily's newly acquired flat. Empty mugs of alcohol stood around as clutter and full ones swung merrily from the hands of the three still standing. Peter was passed out in a chair. Peter never could hold his liquor, Sirius had commented twice in the last half hour. He was the intended victim of the prank.

Sirius Black raised his wand arm languidly, intoxication running rampant through his bloodstream, and had murmured the words surprisingly not slurring. If only James had not bumped him—or did he just trip over his oven two feet in an alcohol-fueled haze?—the spell would have hit Peter square in the chest, the heart its intended target. Instead Sirius veered sideways and the swirling shot of translucent pink light barred into Remus Lupin, who was doubled over with laughter.

The light expanded to fill the room in one bright, pink and white flash, and diminished in an instant. All three wizards lay crumpled on the floor. Small bubble-like hearts hung in the air.

* * *

Remus awoke to black hair in his face. He batted the black strands away from his eyes and squinted into the dimmed light of the room. James and Sirius loomed over him, faces contorted in worry. Sirius' long ebony locks hung loose from their tie and guarded Remus' view like a curtain. He pawed them away again and stared blankly at the two identical expressions of dismay of his friends' faces. 

"Are you okay, Moony?" James asked, bringing four cold and sticky fingers to rub over Remus' forehead. His voice sounds far away and his eyes are glazed in a dream-like state.

"Do you need anything?" Sirius interrupted before Remus can reply, pulling James' hand away from and placing his own in its stead. He sounds much like James and his eyes too hold a glassy texture.

"Do you feel sick?"

"Are you hungry?"

"Thirsty?"

"Do you want to see a medi-witch? I could take you."

"_I_ can take you."

"You can ride my bike—"

"Or my broom!"

"I was so worried, Moony."

"I'm fine!" Remus insisted, pushing away the cold and butterbeer-covered hands of his friends. They still hung over him like some strange great-winged bird. Another piece of Sirius' hair fell into his mouth. They were vultures, Remus decided. Great sodding vultures.

Struggling past the barricade of two broad ex-Quidditch player shoulders, Remus stood and dusted himself off from the dirt on the kitchen floor. James and Sirius looked at him like he was the second coming of Merlin. Something was off if their glazed, dreamy expression were anything to go by. If only Remus could remember what happened before he passed out.

His legs suddenly felt shaky again under his weight and his heart was jittering like he had too much caffeine. He reached out for a chair to sit in only to find that Sirius had already supplied him one. Sirius' imploring grin was almost sickeningly saccharine and Remus thanked him with a curt head nod. As soon as he sat the endless barrage of questions begin again.

"Are you sure you don't need anything?"

"Water?"

"Butterbeer?"

"Tea?"

Sirius was still smiling that disgustingly wide grin and James' brown eyes had gone so large behind his glasses that Remus was surprised they hadn't popped out of his head. Something definitely was off, and once again it was up to him to solve the puzzle. Tea, he decided, would be nice. It had always helped him think.

"Tea, if you wouldn't mind," Remus replied nervously and almost cringed at the exuberance that spread over both of their faces.

"I'll get it!" they both cried simultaneously and as if in some horrible Muggle comedy sketch, they crashed into each other trying to move about in the small kitchen.

"I'll get it!" Sirius instructed brashly as he stumbled backwards from his impact with James.

"No, I'll get it!" James responded, fixing the skewed glasses on his nose.

"Potter, clearly he wants me to get it for him!"

"You're wrong, Black! He was obviously looking at me!"

"He was not! You don't even know how he likes his tea!"

"I do too!"

"You do not!"

"Well, I'll learn! Besides, this is _my_ house!"

"Well he's _my_ boyfriend!"

James and Sirius were now standing so close that their toes touch. Sirius was rolling back his sleeves and James unfastened the top most button of his shirt. They were going to have a fistfight over tea! Remus saw this only too quickly and bodily separated the two.

"What is going on with you two!" he demanded as soon as they backed away from each. Angry glances were his only reply. Remus slumped back down in the chair and hid his face in his hands. A frustrated noise escaped his lips.

"I'm sorry." It was James. Remus could sense him shuffling closer on the right. "I didn't mean to upset you, Remus." His tone was that of a sheepish child.

"Yeah, me too." This time it was Sirius. He too moved closer to the left side of the chair. "M'sorry, Moony," he mumbled. "I only wanted to fix your tea for you. I know how much you like it."

Remus found it hard to stay angry at the utter lamentation in his voice. He thought that if he looked up Sirius would be making puppy-dog eyes, not unlike Padfoot, at him. Yet it worried him too. Sirius and James were acting very odd. "It's okay, Padfoot. Prongs. I know." Remus felt like he was talking to the youngest Weasley child rather than his friends of nine years. "I'll just make the tea myself." It is only then that he dared peek out from his hands. Sirius and James were staring at him with those creepy, lovesick expressions again.

One will find it quite difficult to move around a kitchen meant for two if one's body mass has suddenly tripled in size. Not to say that Remus was overweight, hardly so, but Sirius and James had attached themselves to each side and insisted on "helping out". Remus tried to reach for the kettle of water; James grabbed it for him and subsequently spilt water all over the counter. After refilling the kettle and heating it, Remus went to fetch a cup; Sirius intervened and six more china cups and saucers toppled out of the cabinet in his rush. Remus attempted to pour the tealeaves into his cup; James helped and the entire bag was let loose on the floor. He tried to get the milk out and thankfully caught the bottle before it and the milk too were added to the mess. He _asked_ Sirius to fill his cup with the boiling water, already attuned into the pattern evolving, and Sirius did so with several smug looks in James' direction. James only seemed to pout. Remus, finally allowed to do something for himself, added the mild to his tea and made his way carefully back to the table. James and Sirius followed him like flies to the sugar.

He placed the cup on the table and sat down to the right of its only occupant. Peter was still passed out, head down and drooling slightly into his opened palmed. Guy never around when you need him, Remus thought bitterly. At least he wasn't caught up in—well, whatever was wrong James and Sirius.

Vultures, Remus thought for the second time within an hour. Sodding, five-year-old _vultures_.

James and Sirius spent the next ten minutes standing over Remus as he pondered his woeful state in life. He had to ask them four times to give him some breathing room and finally, on the fourth time, ordered them to sit. Both sat abruptly in the mess of tea and broken china on the floor. Remus wondered if a Stunning Spell was out of place in this situation and massaged his temple. He was getting a splitting headache.

"Do you want me to give you a massage?" Sirius chirped.

Remus stared into his almost empty teacup petulantly. "No."

"Should I get you a pain drought?' James then asked. "Lily keeps them here somewhere…"

"No," Remus answered more forcefully this time and then ordered, "Sit!" again fitfully as if to a dog before James had fully stood. "I need time to _think_," he muttered, more so to himself than anyone else in the room. They weren't going to be of much help in this. Now both hands were massaging his temples.

Peter snorted particularly loud and it was all Remus could do not to shout. He pushed the cup out of the way and laid his head on the cool wood of the table. Then he commenced to bang it thrice, as if that would help his migraine. Immediately that stirred the buzzards and they were again looming over him, berating him with well-intentioned questions and comments.

"Don't do that, Remus! You have such a beautiful forehead!"

"Are you sure you don't want a massage? Your back does look awfully stiff."

"I think I should give him a massage, if he wants one."

"Says who, Potter?"

"Says me! After all, I love Remus more."

"No, I love him more!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"You have Lily!"

"But I _love_ Remus!"

"I love Remus! And it was my idea, therefore I should give him a massage!"

Sirius cuffed James on the back of the head and James stomped on Sirius' foot. In turn, Sirius slugged him in the arm and James retaliated by— Remus stopped banging his head on the table abruptly. James halted in mid-punch and both he and Sirius stared at Remus whose eyes had gone wide in epiphany.

Of course! The love charm! It hit him, not Peter! James and Sirius must have been infected by it too and as a consequence… They were in love with _him_?

Remus quickly broke away from the table, toppling the chair over and arising an incoherent murmur from Peter. He just turned his head and went back to butterbeer induced sleep. Remus' eyes flashed between James and Sirius, who regarded him with mixed emotion of awe and worry.

"Are you ok—"

Remus held up his hand before James could finish the question. His head was still curled around Sirius' shirt, arm pulled back as if he was going to hit him. Sirius dropped his arms to his side to listen. "What do you feel about me?" Remus rushed breathlessly. The question was directed at no one in particular and he felt assured both would answer simultaneously.

"I love you." Both were spot on. Sirius and James both shot daggers at each other and their fight seemed like it would again escalate before Remus put his hands up.

"Wait. Wait!" he cried. "There is an explanation for this." He strode to where the chair had been knocked over and righted it before standing in between James and Sirius. He pushed them apart. "There's an explanation for this," he said again and looked from one to the other significantly. Two confused, blank stares were all he received, so he continued.

"James," he said turning to the man in glasses. "You love Lily. _Lily_. You married her just last November. You are very happy together." He turned to Sirius. "Sirius. You—I—we… It's only been three weeks, Pads. I don't think we are quite at the level to commit our undying love for each other." His gaze shifted back to James, then Sirius, then James in rapid-fire motion. "You are under a spell," he told both of them. "It's a love charm, casted by you earlier today." The look in their glassy eyes told him that they also did not remember. "All we need to find out is how to make it go away and everything should return to normal." Remus tightened his grip on James' and Sirius' shirtfronts, as if to exemplify the point. "Okay?" he asked hesitantly, becoming slightly nervous as their gaze shifted from confusion to adoration once again.

* * *

Lily Evans-Potter arrived at her flat just after the sun had set. She had expected to see four grown wizards sprawled across her furniture and parlor floor, discussing Quidditch and Witch Weekly and other such thing males discuss outside the presence of females. She expected dirty mugs and leftover food and cutlery spread across the room. She thought she see at least once piece of broken furniture due to James and Sirius' wrestling matches. However, in the realm of things she _expected_ from all four Marauders invading her flat for the day, she did not in any circumstance prepare herself to hear shouts of affection from her husband and said husband's best friend resounding from the kitchen. 

"—mine!"

"He's mine!"

"No, he's mine!"

Pushing the swinging door briskly open, Lily stood in the threshold to her kitchen, green eyes wide and mouth agape. James Potter and Sirius Black stood in the middle of the room, each holding onto one arm of Remus Lupin, pulling him back and forth like a human tug-o-war and shouting.

"He's mine, Black!"

"No, he's mine, Potter!"

"No, he's not! I love him!"

"James?" Lily gasped tentatively; moving pasted a snoring Peter on the end of her kitchen table.

"Lily!" Remus shouted in thankfulness, lifting his head to notice her presence. He looked worn and tired and very put off. Sirius and James still were tugging at his arms, his body shifting back and forth between then.

"Remus is my boyfriend!" Sirius thundered, pulling Remus towards him.

"But he loves me!" James countered, yanking Remus back.

"Lily! Help me!" Remus pleaded silently above their rants.

"—does not love you!" Sirius had been saying.

"Does too!"

"You have Lily!"

"I don't want Lily! I want Remus!"

"No! I want Remus!"

Lily felt her eyes jumping from one side to the other, as if in a tennis match. It was almost comical in a way, like watching some cartoon slapstick. If only it hadn't involved her husband and two of his friends. Something had obviously happened and whatever it was made James and Sirius madly in love with Remus, who from the look of it was about to murder both of them as soon as his hands were free. Lily stifled a chuckle behind her hand and decided to have a little fun of her own.

She walked up to Remus, whose eyes became wide in thankfulness. Carefully, she withdrew her hand and slapped his face in a loud _crack!_ It made a loud, magically induced noise, but it shouldn't have stung too badly Lily reminded herself. She has practiced this many times on James.

"You stole my boyfriend!" she demanded of Remus. His mouth simply fell open in shock.

"No!" Sirius replied. "James stole _my_ boyfriend!" He jerked Remus back towards him and Remus again stumbled as his arm was wrenched near out of its socket.

"Remus!" Lily cried in mock anger.

Remus turned pitifully to Sirius, his eyes begging for any help. "Sirius!"

"James!" Sirius bellowed accusingly, pulling Remus even closer.

It was only then that James looked to see his wife. "Lily!"

"James?"

"Remus!"

"Sirius…"

"Lily."

"Peter!"

All four stopped from their name-calling reverie and turned towards the door. Peter sat staring blankly at them, blinking. He seemed to shrink from the attention. "I just wanted to feel included…" With that, he re-arranged his arms on the table, dropped his head, and was snoring in no time.

Lily turned around to the three men in front of her. James and Sirius went back to their fight, and Remus burned his amber eyes into Lily's. _Do something._

"What is it?" she asked calmly, drawing her wand from her sleeve.

"Love—love charm," Remus struggled out, stumbling back and forth between Sirius and James' constant demand.

"Love charm?" Lily repeated quietly, the cogs in her brain already working out a solution. Thankfully, she excelled at charms and it came to her quickly. With an arc of her wand and a few mutter words under her breath, a tirade of freezing cold water poured out of the ceiling, soaking James, Remus, and Sirius. Lily stepped back cautiously.

James and Sirius immediately let go of Remus, sending him sprawling on the floor. He shivered as the icy clothes pressed further against his skin. Sirius, shaking his head like a dog and spraying drops of cold water onto everyone, offered him a hand up. James went to stand apologetically by his wife. It finally seemed things were back to rights.

"What was—" Sirius began but Lily waved him off before he could finish his question.

"Love charms," Lily replied airily, brushing off a wet James from wrapping her up in a hug, "come off with water. Standard knowledge." She smiled smugly to herself. "Haven't you ever heard of a cold shower solving lust?"

And as with every good comedy sketch, all four broke out into laughter and all was well.

* * *

**The end.** **Please reveiw?**


End file.
